Some days the sun is a swollen head in the sky, watching as we walk the block in circles, tracing the line between  green grass and white cement, frying  us ...

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I really like the overall story of this poem. I know that a lot of people write about summer, and too often it ends up being cliche. You managed to avoid the cliches really well. I like your metaphors and similes; they are fairly original. 

Some places where you could do better are some of your sentence structures. This may just be a personal preference, but "Our hearts are tiny mechanical rabbits pitter-patter-pitter-pattering beneath the bumpy jump of skin and bone and they are the strongest part of our body and that is why we follow them despite their silly rabbit feet" could be broken up into two sentences at "they are the strongest...". Up to you. There's a few other places in this poem where you seem to have a run-on sentence going. I don't know if that's intentional. I also think that the second "pitter" and "patter" could be taken out--I think it might make the flow better. Again, that's up to you. 

Good story. Good language. Work on your flow and style a little bit. I'm available for a message if you'd like more advice. :)


  My body goes peristaltic when you come snaking in,             dream weaver.Dubious charmer-     out in my garden, accrued from the     hemming perennials.   Blood drips from your slitheringsanguine tinted fangs    ...

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Okay wow, I liked this a lot. You taught me a new word -- peristaltic. It's erotic without being dirty. It's sexy without being smutty. The images are clear and the flow is great. Awesome piece.


In my little blue notebook I write the thoughts  and streams of dreams  that flow from my river mind.   So humble and unassuming, within its pages you can find  scribbles of ...

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I do like this piece but I think that it has a lot more potential. I think that you could really blow us away with the imagery if you did some tweaks. Like when you say "So humble and unassuming"...you're sort of telling, not doing a lot of showing. Show us that they are humble and unassuming with verbs, with their actions. I am more than willing to help you a bit more specifically if you'd like -- just shoot me a message. I think you could really do something great with this if you work on it. :)


i'm going back to paradise, when i fall asleep tonight. i'll be cleopatra, james dean will be my lover, we'll runaway together, in this dream like no other. i'll collect ...

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I can tell you've improved on your sentence structure. You're taking breaks and letting it flow naturally instead of rambling. I like the premise of this poem. It's an overstated theme but you've made it original, and for some reason it makes me think of Lana del Rey.


We've got an aerie of eggs on our puddle,  said my nan.  One with eggs She's got eggs again And the dad, he goes  back and forth, he does,  he ...

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I don't see a lot of poetry written about dementia. This may be my first encounter with one about it. I like the rhythm of the poem, how it sounds like the kind of poem a child would write. I think it captures the deterioration of the mind but without killing off the idea that even in this disease there are still good things to be found. There's a tragic aspect to it too, in the repetitiveness. I love it all around.


today my school angel asked for me to come and talk to her, i forgot at the specific time so i went after lunch instead, and she waved me inside ...

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I love the poem itself, but I have one issue. You might want to sharpen up the sentence structure. There need to be more pauses so that we can catch our breath. It feels hasty. Just take your time, Jayla. Breathe. 


I'm not sure what this is. The beginning of a story? Let me know your thoughts.

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This poem has a good concept but it could use a little work, I think. With phrases like "It's hot and sticky outside" you're telling us. Show us instead. Find another way to say that, one that conveys a meaning without being sort of passive.

My Love walks the air, bare feet lost between the toolies. The sun shines, butter soft, at both our backs. I dissolve a salmonberry on my tongueand ask “What shall I do? ...

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I read this a few times over before figuring out what to say about it. It's just lovely all around, from the imagery to the structure. I like the narrator's description of her/his Love. 


I see beauty reflected Dancing back to my face From where you stand. She sees church bell laughter; Her eyes gleam red in jealousy You eloquence isn’t to be matched. ...

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Excellent piece. I can feel the emotions of this piece clearly, and the transitions between viewpoints are done so well...and then the ending line just knocks it into a whole new level of lovely.


Jupiter from aboveis dressed in stripes;layered in rain between a hot mess oh— where are the cloudswhen we need them most? Karma had clothed itselfindifferently and had chosennot to choose its ...

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I love the flow. The line breaks are eloquently placed and the words carefully chosen. The little half-rhymes that are scattered throughout--whether intentional or unintentional--add a nice touch to remind you that this is indeed a poem.