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Made Words

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What Are You Scared Of?

What are you scared of?

Let me know so I can use it to slit your throat,

so I can carve your flesh a more genuine smile.

Allow me to arouse your fear

and make those neglected thoughts seep into the sharp end

of reality. Let fear kiss your insides. Let fear grow teeth

that exist to violate your one sided bliss;

I want to see your joy begin to seethe.

How can you be so reserved?

You deserve to feel horrified. Snap your spine

there is no need to run when you may crawl,

it would teach you that the perfect escape

is not when you leave as yourself, but as someone else

who feels certain that they are alive. The screams, howls,

gushing guts, split tongues, and the urge to sin

will surely suffice. And wouldn’t it feel nice to know that you are alive?

So I’ll ask you once more:

What are you scared of?

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Bad Dreams

Pale moon light

No movement in sight.

Empty and heavy

My heart goes weary.

 

Woke up from a bad dream

So terrifying and grim.

I looked outside the windows

And all I see are shadows

 

It is still a long night

Morning is far from sight.

 

I sat up to ease myself

It's all in my head. Compose yourself!

 

So I got up, had a glass of water.

I told myself it's going to be better. 

But that reassurance is all for naught

"I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" is all I thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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one

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time capsule - ii

listen, 

they’re going to tell you that you can’t do it, you won’t survive in the real world, you need to mature and think about a proper career, a way to make your spouse happy. sometimes, they will say if you don’t put an effort in your physical appearance, you’ll never have a spouse. that’s when you’ll remain calm and say, ‘fuck you’ with the warmest smile you can give a disheartener.

you know what you believe in, you know what you’re capable of and even if you don’t, you have the rest of your life to think about it, experiment. it’s never too late for anything and if anyone ever tells you that, just walk away.

negativity helps no one but the person making the negative statements, i think they get a sense of satisfaction when they put someone down (mentally).

don’t give anyone the chance to tell you who you are, what you’re supposed to do and what you’ll be in the future.

no one.

i’m not saying all people are jerks and you shouldn’t take advice from anyone. advice is great, advices guide us, help us make decisions even if we don’t really go for them, they give us options we might have never thought of, new ideas are nice. unless they confuse you more, confusion only makes you human.

inhale,

exhale,

inhale,

exhale..

remember to breathe.

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I tried to write it in that way that unicorns throw confetti

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Extinguish

Three days go by and he still doesn't understand what I say when I flicker the bottom of my tongue and tell him this is youth.

--

The cheapest beer we could find, crushed into origami figurines displayed haphazardly around the field grounds the way your grandmother's collection of flea market elephant miniatures was as a child. Passing around glassware blown more intricate than the spindling lanky fingers of Meema's small hands.The millimeter by millimeter squares adorning every rapunzel haired, breast bared woodnymph's tongue. Whiskey breath and shy smiles too close for talking. Men crowded around fires like gazelle at the watering hole. There are always too many damn gators in the bayou, we're all so hungry for a taste of blood in the water. 

--

Flick Flick
He still hasn't called on the fourth day.

--

Trance rhythms and techno beats pump through the trees. Another few hits pass from finger to finger, and we barely brush thumbprints but already I could confess guilty at the stand. Punishable by proof of intent, you and I haven't got good intentions. Just the mood of the moon vying with the bonfire for shine. The way your eyes smolder like the coals but still flicker with the flames. I see my reflection spinning around their glare like a pow wow dancer. Fry bread indulgences allowed only on these special occasions. That is to say, when he is out of sight and I am out of my own mind. For a moment I can fly and my first thought it "away". Swishing hips side to side with the possibility of you. The newness of you and the dewy grass against my back, so far away from home and his worn in sneakers by the side door. Toto, we're not in kansas anymore.

--

Does he know yet that I'll never let him build a white picket fence? He stays over five nights a week these days. I miss waking up in an empty strangers bed more than I ever wished for a full one of my own. 

--

Last time around, it was back seats of yellow taxi cabs and clammy hands just like my father's. Call it a pattern but the concept of making a home out of the other sex never did seem weather proof. The storm clouds set in and God plays the thunder so loud I go running back to mama every time. Even after all these years. You've got those deep belly laughs and pouting eyes I could never resist or live without. Consider it a supplement. Vitamin XY, root of danger, and adventure elixir. I was never very faithful to a well balanced diet. 

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Everything we wanted is out there still

Waiting to surprise us and undermine us and hide from us

disguised as a curse disguised as a blessing disguised

as decisions

The trees are wrapped in lights and the air is frigid

We wear coats and I drive from house to house cheeks red from the heat

The bed is stripped clean to the mattress and the house is colder without you

I can’t sleep without my mother in the next room and I spend my free time

folding clothes mindlessly following the creases

pouring coffee for strangers who clutch books like newborn babies to their chests

And all I want is to bare the awful stuff inside my chest like a prize

Here, here is the sloppy throbbing mess you wanted to see,

here, it is bleeding and raw and sensitive and if you touch it too quickly

it will cause a collapse 

but here, this is it, you can have it

or your share of it,

this is where my father put his words

and my mother put her wine

and they both left it there in the house where I grew up 

and out of.

Do you still want it? this miserable beating heart jumping beneath 

sallow skin 

It is bone and breath and blood

It is mind and matter and mayhem

It is what you wanted the clean wrapped package of it

the light and bright above the heaving dark disaster

Laughter canceling out thought.

I am crying into my mother’s arms but really I want

to be in bed watching mindless television

Or escaping into words being sung

Or asleep and unaware 

Of how a throat feels when it is raw and thick and desperate to stay

happy or indifferent or dispassionate 

or whatever

but it is crying 

it is bleeding

it is pulsing

it is passing

it is passing

it is flying

maybe it never needs 

to land.

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genetics

i
am turning into my mother.

she gave me her straight nose,
her broad bones,
her stubbornness

hold on to the truths you know
and the lies you don't.

or maybe,
i
am turning into my father.

after all,
i have his brown eyes,
his quick mind
his readiness

to leave all things behind,
let the road unravel
like twine.

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Reasons for my love

I love the way she wears the sun

In her hair; and the way the rain

Beads on her delicate shoulders;

I love when her eyelids flutter

In early morning springtime breeze;

I love the way she pouts and sulks

When things don’t seem to go her way;

I love it when she feigns anger

That’s soon betrayed by a smile;

I love the look of guiltiness

On her face after we make love;

I love her child-like naiveté;

Her occasional whininess

And vagaries that define her.