Dear old men in the locker room,
It’s awesome you are comfortable
enough with your body to walk
completely naked to the shower.
I know you don’t give a fuck
because you are old, but please
wrap the towel around your waist.
Nobody wants to see your old wrinkly
man balls dangling between your legs.
Dear guy who swims one lap then stops to breathe for five minutes,
Swim or get out of the pool.
I’ve been waiting 10 minutes
to get my laps in before I bike.
Dear great body, horrible face,
Dear great body, okay face,
Fuck you too.
Dear great body, model face,
Fuck you, you fucking asshat.
Dear boy I never replied to on Grindr,
You are much cuter in person
definitely hit me up again.
Dear ex-boyfriend running on the treadmill,
I want/don’t want to see you here.
Part of me never wanted to see you again.
Part of me is more than happy to run
behind you. I always said you had
an ass for days and seeing you
sweating only adds to your attraction.
Dear idiot smoking outside the door,
The irony of this isn’t worth my time.
Dear overweight person walking on the treadmill
Keep it up,
we’ve all been there.
Hell, most days, I’m still there.
It does get easier.
Dear weird guy mouthing the words to Britney Spears while running,
There is no stage here.
No sequined gowns.
No face painting. Close
your drag queen wanna be lips
and focus on the task at hand.
Dear guy on the bike with the huge bulge,
Can I see it?
I don’t need to touch it
(although I will ask).
I just want to know
what it looks like.
Dear person with all the right clothes,
I’m getting more of a workout
in my old basketball t-shirt and shorts
than you are in your Under Armour
outfit head to toe. You move from
treadmill to elliptical as if you are
in a ballet no one dances in.
Dear soccer moms on the elliptical,
This is not the community market
for your gossip. You are
distracting everyone with
your bitterness of the new
neighbors cleavage in the dress
she wore for her husband.
The one you fantasize about
alone in the shower.
Dear men crowded around the TV to watch the football game,
Put your masculinity away,
stop cheering for your team
and burn the calories
you drank last night.
Dear father teaching his son how to play basketball,
Thank you for renewing my faith in young parents.
I watched you the entire time I was running,
how you got on your knees to show your little man
the proper way to hold the ball, he watched you
as closely as doctors watch cancer cells.
I almost broke down when you lifted him
onto your shoulders so he could feel like Jordan.
You are his biggest cheerleader. You wore pride
like a purple heart when he made his first basket.
He hugged you so hard I swear I could feel his joy.
Dear mother intently watching her children at the pool,
I can see your smile. You can’t hide it
from someone who watches too many people.
These are the moments you will miss when they grow,
let it flood your body, let it course through you
until it’s the only thing you know
because what’s the point in thinking
of all the horrible things that could happen
when you miss the moments right in front of you?