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WHY YOU WILL NEVER BE THE FIRST TO BOARD THE PLANE

The order of boarding a commercial aircraft has evolved into a high art that would astound the most caste conscious Brahmans and impress even the snootiest of protocol counselors at the Court of Louis the XVI.  With the merger of American and USAir and United, and Continental, boarding priorities have refined and consolidated. Here’s the transcript of recent boarding announcement for a flight I took from Ft. Lauderdale to Washington, DC.

At this time, we’d like to announce the pre-boarding* of the following:

• Galactic-Triple-Titanium-Stratosphere-Billion-Miler-Club members
• Super-Ultra-Elite-Double-Premier-Associates
• Uniformed members of the armed forces with two or more infants requiring assistance
• Sub-Elite-Million-Mile-Pilots’-Club members with oak leaf clusters
• Uniformed members of the armed forces with one uniformed toddler
• Senior citizens with Junior Executive Extra Lucky Double Bronze miles
• Seniors requiring life support
• Titled nobility
• Nobel Laureates and French Existential Playwrights

• Families of ten or more requiring heavy sedation
• Zone 5
• American Girl Visa card holders (ruby or emerald level)
• Pewter level Avis club members
• Kenny Rodgers Roasters “Lots of Cluck” meal card holders
• Steerage plus

At this time we’d like to begin our general boarding with passengers seated in:

• Zone 9
• All other zones may now board.

We know you have a choice when flying so thanks for flying with USAmerTedNental.

*Pre-boarding is a made-up term devised by cynical airline executives who would have you believe that no boarding is actually taking place.