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How to speak without speaking

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Guizi

Oh fuck I cant do it

anxiety

dialectical apostate

No apologies work.

 

It’s only a hundred yards to the plant

I cant walk it

ghost dance

Only the dead enter those doors

{A beautiful Chinese woman points to me, smiling white teeth and tells her daughter “guizi”}

Yeah. White ghost, lady. White devil, white trash.

 

I pull the handle

and vomit bitter-sour puke,

all liquid,

realize I haven't eaten since yesterday’s lunch

 

I wait in the car ‘til 0605

sinking in Shostakovich’s 12th

I’ll never see anything like The Year 1917

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impromptu

Listen, just listen,
focus on the cadence,
the emotion
the subharmonic.
See the micro gestures,
the light and shade,
unconsciously playing
an accompaniment, 
those subtle notes
underscore.
Words are but the initiation,
there is a hint, a whisper,
in omissions
in the stutter-starts-and trailing endings,
let the quiet between breaths guide,
touch and taste the contours
of my soul,
as it sighs and moans, please..
be sensitive to the perfume,
the floral notes may hide
an unexpected spice.
Listen,
to the whole orchestra,
the symphony is playing
a melody unrehearsed,
absorb and abstain,
from trying to change the score,
quench the urge to fix that raw strung bow, 
all that`s needed is your undivided
attention, to
my music.
It is the listening 
that translates to
understanding the whole composition.
Do you hear me
or have you allowed my words
to distract?





 

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Eat, Drink and be Merciful

When your life loses meaning and your heart is numb, 
carry yourself to the kitchen.

Find bread. Slot it into the toaster with unsure hands. No one
expects elegance of you when you hurt this way.
Carry the kettle to the sink. Breathe gently. 

Elsewhere, people whisper that you have lost your footing.
Boil water, take down a chipped mug, and watch thoughts of death disperse.
No one can pass judgement on you here.

Scrape butter onto toast. Inhale the smell. Do not scold
the crowded ache in your head, or the tremor in your hands.
Let them fall among the crumbs on the counter, and sweep them away.

Drop a teabag into water. Breathe curling steam. Do not expect
to solve every heartache that finds you at every turn.
Drink the cloud of warmth from your cup instead, and think of nothing.

If you have no faith left in the return of happiness, eat, drink
and be merciful. Become a friend to yourself. Smile through the ache
and make a gift of simple, warm things that cannot judge.

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How to walk alone

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