Dear Paul Verhoeven:
My name is Sebastian Major-Lazer and I turn twenty three in September. Recently, I was diagnosed with a totally real, totally plausible, terminal illness. I'll spare you the details on how long I have left to live, and the way in which my fragile little body will be torn asunder by the flesh-eating virus that lives inside me, but suffice to say, it's going to totally suck and be really super hella painful. The make a wish foundation got in touch and suggested that I write to famous people, and explain my condition to them in the hopes that they grant a very special wish just for me, to make my dreams come true before my brain effectively turns into an insect hostel. (although, from what the doctors told me, most of the grey matter will have disintegrated by that point, leaving very little for insect lave to feast upon.) Now, I've written to other "celebrities" to see if they can make my wishes come true before I turn into a miscellaneous pink goo like something you'd find at the bottom of an old fridge that the police found a corpse in, but you: You are a special, special case. To be honest, I don't really care if Nicolas Cage gets his shit together and makes a Face/off 2 (although that would be ballin', do not get me wrong,) and i'm not even that fussed about Versus 2, even though I mean, come on, it's been 10 years and we'd all like to see that, but no; you, Paul Verhoven, you hold the key to my most important wish. Please, I beg of you:
Please don't let them make Robocop 4.
Okay? Because I'm not sure my illness ravaged body could take it. I'm a big fan of the whole Robocop series. From Robocop 1, right the way through to Robocop 3, i'm a fan. I'm even a fan of the super weird cartoon from the 80's where Robocop helps old ladies cross the street and explains about traffic safety. Now I accept, the whole series isn't perfect and like any great canon of work, it has it's flaws. For instance I'm not sure you can really artistically justify the scene in Robocop 3 in which that kid reprograms a killbot with a child's computer and makes it behave like a cat. And also, FYI that movie, I'm not sure that having a 500lbs dead guy in steel armour being chased by ninjas on roller-skates is really the most realistic face-off you could come up with Regardless of all these super weird flaws that I just found, these are all cool things that I like, and this is why it pains me to hear about the latest Robocop, Robocop 4,which is currently in development.
When they built Rome, the perfect city, Romulus and Remus didn't kick back by the river, break out a cooler of Coors light and say "You know what, Rommers, what we need to do is take what's great about this city and take it apart brick by hallowed brick, until we're left with a mere shell of what was great, and all now is just ninjas on rollarskates and jetpack boots." I'm no fancy-pants historian, but i'm fairly certain they didn't say that, not least because they spoke Latin and I don't know the Latin for "you have 40 seconds to comply." Instead they let the great city grow old with dignity, a trait which they probably learnt whilst suckling, naked, from the tit of a wolf.
So you see, you, Paul, padre, brother; you should learn from the babes of Rome, see how they protected their art with a fierce and burning vengeance, without even resorting to a scene where Robocop has to defuse a bomb with his teeth.
So instead of making us sit through Robocop finding love, Robocop marrying a princes daughter Robocop finding a magic robot lamp with a robot genie inside that grants him but three digital wishes, Robocop dressing up in a black fat suit to infiltrate the head of an all black, all fat crime gang, instead of that; just let us live out our years in piece with the memories. We don't need a new Robocop for the now generation: let it sit inside the mind and every once in a while, i'll get really high, like some Lemon haze shit, and watch Robocop. And that'll be enough.
So please Paul, for me, make the dying wish of a young boy come true.
Please don't let them make Robocop 4
Yours, Amore Sempre
Sebastian Major Lazer