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Words do no justice

 

I dreamt in poetry last night, I cannot remember a single word but I felt the art in my bones. Tried as I did to recall the pentameter it eluded my thoughts, fleeting shadows of metaphor and beauty. But you were there. This I know.

The image was spring mist and pastel blur, shifting heart-swells carried me aloft. I felt you rather than witnessed and that was far more tangible for the viewing. Perhaps there was not poetry as verse or couplet but movement and sensation, the enchanting poetry of your soul infused with my dreamscape. Whatever the truth of brushstrokes laid on masterpieces of desire, we were there and poetry was your sweet breath across my cheek.

I dreamt in poetry last night and awoke to find the stanzas contained no words, only you.

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dear x

dear x,  

 

(i)

i’m sorry your mother forgot that

love is infalliable and you

had to watch her run

to the priest and kneel at

the altar with words of

forgiveness hung onto her lips as

she stared at her clenched

fists.

 

(ii)

i’m sorry you lived with

her unforgiving glares

when she looked at you over

her 7th glass of

wine and shards of hate

speared into your

back.

 

(iii)

i’m sorry melancholy gripped

your consciousness so tight you

felt obliged to offer sacrifices

to your blade and watched

it drink your blood as you marked

“sinner” across your

thighs.

 

(iv)

i’m sorry you got to love

so deep and so right but

watched it get ripped from your

insides as your heart crumbled to

dust.

 

(v)

i’m sorry i couldn’t save you.

forgive me,

for i have sinned.

 

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Ricochet...

Even if I found
Three hundred and sixty five
Ways to say I loved you;
Would you say no
To every single one?
Would you have
A bullet to shoot me down
Every single time?
And would I bear
Every single hole
Through my soul
As you empty
Each clip into me?
Or would you break
And say yes
Before I figure out
That I should wear
A bulletproof vest,
So I can stand 
Up to every aim
Of your gun
To my face?
Keep firing away from your hip
As I ricochet from my heart...
APAD13 - 075

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Teacup...

What will bring
Us together
If not a hook
And a fishing rod?
What will keep
Us together
If not duct tape
And krazy glue?
But the line
I cast long ago
Remains slack
Not long enough
And the bait
Long ago lost,
The cap
On the glue bottle's stuck
Won't open
And the duct tape
Has lost all it's strength,
So I walk
And wander
Then I sit
And wonder
How shall I try
To reel her in again
How shall I proceed
To keep our hearts
Bound together
So that no distance
Will fade us
From each other's minds
So our love
Will make the oceans
Seem but a teacup
Between us...
APAD13 - 068

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Three Words

You whispered it on a cold night. I remember the atmosphere was a soft radiance, your eyes luminescent from some distant fire's glow, reflecting against bare skin. I felt your cheeks ignite in the words you phrased, molding and crafting them like a masterpiece of artistry and utter perfection. I was floored, disconnected from the earth, set ablaze under the cusp of your tongue. We mixed in rage and greedy fingers because love told us so - because love is violence and it itches and spreads in the name of passion, like a disease. Love is poison, but we don't know how to act accordingly. We fumble and lie and cheat and steal. Sometimes we die.

We die in the name of love.

Maybe that's why they buried you in roses.

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Comatose

I was floating.

I heard voices, familiar voices,  but they didn’t really interest me.

My mind was too weak to understand what they were saying anyway.

‘ Car crash, he’s in a coma.’

It didn’t mean anything to me, all I wanted to do was going back to sleep.

I drifted off into a black hole called unconsciousness, going back to a moment that was long gone.

 

‘ Hi, I’m Kaitlin.’ The green eyed brunette in front of me said while she reached out her hand to shake mine. ‘ But feel free to call me Kate.’

‘ Benjamin.’ I replied while I took her hand to shake it. ‘ First day here?’

‘ Is it that obvious?’ She asked, giving me a warm smile.

‘ Well, since you are introducing yourself and I never saw you here before.’ I answered. ‘ I just figured.’

She laughed, she had the most amazing laugh, it sounded like little bells tingling by a sigh of the wind.

‘ I have to go back now.’ I said smiling. ‘ Anyway, good luck Kate.’

She grinned. ‘ Do I need it then?’

I chuckled. ‘ Maybe you will, maybe not. You’ll see.’

 

I was back with the voices, they were still talking.

Although I could now understand what they were saying, my ears got distracted by another sound, a soft beeping.

I wondered what it was, I had heard the sound before but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

The voices kept talking, I learned the voices were from two women which I both knew.

I only couldn’t name them yet.

The voices faded when I drifted back into unconsciousness.

 

‘ You know that isn’t healthy, right?’ I said to Kaitlin when I came outside.

She smirked. ‘ You only told me that a hundred times before.’

‘ Maybe I’ll convince you to stop one day.’ I replied.

She took another tug from her cigarette before she stubbed it.

‘ How’s your girlfriend?’ She asked while she putted the cigarette package back into her bag.

‘ Ciara’s fine.’ I answered. ‘ We’re moving in together next month.’

She smiled. ‘ You are?’

I nodded. ‘ The house is almost done, we should be able to move there next month.’

‘ Good for you.’ She replied while she took her car keys out of her bag.

‘ You’re going home already?’ I asked, a little disappointed.

‘ I am.’ She answered. ‘ I’ll see you tomorrow.’

I sighed when I watched her walking away, then I took my own keys and went home myself.

 

‘ We were going to move in together tomorrow.’ I heard someone say. ‘ Why did this have to happen? Why now?’

Ciara, she was here.

‘ I don’t know.’ I heard the other girl answer. ‘ I’m so sorry.’

Kaitlin, she was here too.

I tried to open my eyes, I wanted to see the two people who meant everything to me.

The only problem was that I couldn’t, I couldn’t get my eyes open, like I couldn’t move my fingers or get a single sound of my mouth either.

My body simply refused to cooperate with me and again it started to pull me back into the big black hole.

 

 ‘ No date?’ I asked while I sat down next to Kaitlin.

The cafeteria was crowded, there were more people on this reception then I thought there would be.

She looked at me and a smile appeared on her face.

‘ No, I didn’t think that would be necessary.’ She answered. ‘ Where’s Ciara? Didn’t you bring her with you?’

I shook my head. ‘ She had her own reception to attend.’

‘ You better had gone to hers.’ She said. ‘ This one is kind a lame.’

I chuckled. ‘ You have been sitting here all this time, being bored?’

‘ If it wasn’t for you I would have been long gone.’ She replied. ‘ But I wanted to see if you could get this party started.’

‘ Do you want to dance?’ I asked while I held out my hand to take hers.

She took my hand and we walked onto the dance floor.

We danced for a while, our bodies moving on the beat of the music that was blowing out of the speakers.

She looked ravishing in her skinny jeans and the tight black top she was wearing, her brown hair curled and I noticed a small line of eyeliner underneath her eyes.

I raised my eyebrows when a slower song started to play but she shook her head.

‘ I’m going for a smoke.’ She said.

‘ How many times do I have to tell you it isn’t healthy?’ I asked.

She shrugged and went to take her purse before she walked out of the cafeteria.

I sighed but decided to follow her outside, I couldn’t exactly dance with myself.

She already lighted her cigarette when I came outside.

‘ Are you afraid to slow dance with me?’ I asked while I walked towards her.

‘ No, I only wanted a cigarette.’ She replied before she took another twitch.

‘ Prove it.’ I said. ‘ Put that cigarette out and dance with me.’

‘ Here? Without music?’ She asked, but she putted the cigarette out anyway.

‘ Imagine music is playing.’ I replied while I placed my hands on her waist.   

She chuckled while she putted her arms around my neck.

‘ Are you thinking about a song?’ I asked.

She nodded. ‘ Yes.’

‘ Then we dance.’ I said while I took the lead.

‘ You’re a pretty good dancer.’ She complimented me.

‘ You’re not bad yourself.’ I replied.

She smiled and pressed herself a little tighter against me what made my heartbeat increase.

‘ This is nice.’ She sighed.

My brown eyes locked with her green ones, what left me breathless and not able to react to what she said.

My breath stocked in my throat when our lips moved closer to each other.

She pulled back in the last seconds, when our lips nearly touched.

‘ We can’t do this.’ She stated, taking a step back from me.

‘ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean,… I didn’t want to.’ I stumbled when I realized what I had almost done.

‘ It’s ok.’ She replied. ‘ Nothing happened.’

‘ I don’t know what I was thinking.’ I said. ‘ I’m so sorry.’

‘ Don’t be.’ She said. ‘ Nothing happened, you don’t have to be sorry.’

‘ I think it’s best if I go home.’ I sighed.

She nodded. ‘ I’m going home too.’

‘ I’ll see you on Monday.’ I said before I turned around and walked to my car.

 

It was quiet now, the only thing I heard were the soft beeps in the background.

There was still someone in the room, I could hear her breathing.

I only didn’t  know if it was Ciara or Kaitlin.

Unconsciousness came back sooner than I expected, taking me back into another memory.

 

‘ What’s wrong with you?’ I asked, getting frustrated by the lack of response I was getting.

Kaitlin had been avoiding me the last couple of days and now it really was getting on my nerves.

‘ Nothing’s wrong.’ She replied. ‘ I only need to get home now.’

I stopped her when she wanted to walk away.

‘ You are not going anywhere before you tell me what’s wrong.’ I said. ‘ You always told me everything, what’s different now?’

I caressed her cheek when her eyes started to tear up.

‘ What’s the matter Kate?’ I asked again. ‘ You know you can tell me.’

‘ You don’t want to know.’ She answered softly.

‘ I do.’ I replied.

‘ I’m in love with you.’ She whispered while staring at the ground.

‘ You… what?’ I stumbled.

I couldn’t really find words to create a proper answer.

‘ I’m in love with you.’ She said again, this time looking directly at me.

‘ And you are telling me that now?’ I asked confused. ‘ Why now?’

‘ Because you asked me.’ She replied. ‘ I would have kept my mouth shut if you didn’t ask me anything.’

‘ God damned Kaitlin, I’m moving in with Ciara tomorrow!’ I cried out. ‘ What do you expect me to do?!’

‘ Nothing.’ She said. ‘ I don’t expect you to do anything. I only told you how I feel because you asked me what’s wrong.’

I shook my head. ‘ I can’t do this right now.’

Before I even know what I was doing I was in my car and drove away.

I was mad, mad at Kaitlin, mad at myself.

Why did she have to tell me now? Why couldn’t she have told me earlier.

I noticed the deer in the middle of the road to late, I hit the break but I had to turn the wheel in order to avoid hitting it.

There was a loud crash before everything went black.

I opened my eyes again when I heard a familiar voice.

‘ Stay with me.’ Kaitlin said. ‘ Help is on its way.’  

I was too weak, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, all I wanted to do was sleep.

‘ No, stay with me.’ Kaitlin said again. ‘ Don’t leave me, I love you.’  

 

‘ I love you.’

My eyes flew open, the only thing I saw was the white ceiling of the room I was in.

I was lying in a bed, my body covered with blankets.

The soft beeping I had been hearing was a heart monitor that was wired to me.

Kaitlin’s head appeared above me. ‘ You’re awake.’

‘ You woke me up.’ I said with a raw voice, it was a little soar too.

She smiled. ‘ I’m going to get Ciara, she has been so worried.’

‘ Don’t.’ I said quickly while I grabbed her hand. ‘ I only want you.’

She was still smiling but I could see the cracks in her façade, she was hurt.

‘ I think you have a slight concussion.’  She replied. ‘ Let me go get Ciara.’

I shook my head and pulled her onto the bed with me.

‘ I only want you.’ I repeated. ‘ I love you.’

‘ But…’ She started.

I silenced her by kissing her softly and I knew in the deepest of my heart that I wanted her.

She had been winding me around her finger from the first moment we met.

It didn’t matter to me that I had to crash my car into a tree and get hurt to realize that I was in love with her.

All that mattered was this moment,  my lips intertwined with hers.

Me admitting that I loved her. 

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To Hell and back

Creaks and groans from tired, unwilling bones

Threatening mutiny under the weight of recent ill

They have had their fill

I have too

It would be shortsighted to blame you

I pass no condemnation to any

When shoulders can bear a load as they must

I have spit and I have cussed

Though, no venom for your ears

All crimson disappears and I find my heart swelling once more

For the one I adore, the one I will wade

Into Stygian depths for

If it is asked of me, you see.......

I love you eternally

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The Bard's Tongue

I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You) by John Mayer on Grooveshark

The only words that come to me, come in poetry. Yet here I am, covered in snot and tears and a shaking sack of broken lines, and I'm supposed to find this beautiful? Is this what I'm here for?

I mean, I know all the right words, or at least a few good ones. Her hair - I could just say something about her hair, about the way it used to shine in the light. Used to. No, no. Not her hair. Her eyes, then? Gods, I can't remember the color of her eyes. Her eye-shadow used to glitter, turquoise and gold sometimes. Kohl used to smoke and streak like some other culture's stolen mysteries, like something cursed. Now? The only colors I can see are red cracks and muddy, murky stains. So no. No, not her eyes. Let's just forget about her face entirely. Okay.

Okay. I can lie, I guess. I could be empathetic. I could try to understand her situation, but fuck, I'm barely surviving my own. Who came up with this scenario? You cry, I hold you. I cry, you hold me. Is that all we are? Just.. pillars on a weak foundation, holding one another up? Is the ground that bad? Is the floor that horrible? Can I even care about somebody else so very goddamned broken? Can I?

Should I? Or is this about me? Oh, yes. Of course. It's always about me. I mean, I know all the right words, or at least a few good ones. At one time or another, I've even meant them. 

They don't work on me. Still, I hope that they make you feel better.

I'm at my most honest when you beg me to lie.

Prompt: An expressive Anonymous asked me:

"Never let me go".

Yup. And I've got the notes to prove it...

(c) 2013 Lawerence Hawkins. Seeking writing prompts, reblogs, feedback, or proof you read this.

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I love you ('s)

I’m not a visual artist, by any means, no paint brush or concept of colour was I gifted with. I can’t design landscapes for you with lines and strokes of pastel calmness, tranquil scenes that lull and soothe you. I can’t today and I am not sorry nor will I ever be. What I can do is mix your ire on my palette and watch how it darkens the surface with passionate rage, like scarlet streaks that crudely crisscross. I paint with finger tips and lips. Crude materials to etch my name onto your skin, smudging cursive against your breath with all the I love you (’s) that we could hope to contain.

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Ill-Fitting

He didn't want to take it, but he took it anyway.

It was too small in his large, unclumsy hands. Too smooth, when he could barely feel it out through all the calluses. Too light, when he was used to bearing burdens. Too clean. Too much.

He didn't want to open it, but still, he opened it.

The clasp opened too easily. His finger and thumb were too well trained. He'd opened another, a twin to this one, one too many times over too many nights. It left scars on the hard hide he'd earned. That's why it felt too small, too smooth, too light, too clean. Too little. The clasp hurt.

He didn't want to look at it, but he looked.

He didn't look up. He didn't want to watch her leave.

Of all the things that he'd survived, he didn't expect to survive seeing an empty locket.

Where was his face? His picture? He'd wanted to see the man he used to be.

So had she, but she'd thrown it out anyway.

Prompt: via writeworld.

He stared at the locket, and it shook in his trembling hands.

Writer’s Block

In one sentence is the spark of a story. Ignite.

(c) 2013 Lawerence Hawkins. Ow. Ow, ow, ow. Fuck. Ow. Ow. Ow. Writing hurts. Novels? More.