Sleep has eluded me, or maybe I’ve been running from it. Running from its clutches like a deranged man on a cocaine binge. You see, about a month ago I had my last episode. I was on the computer and I started seeing halos of light through my right eye. I already knew what was going to happen. It had happened to me 3 weeks prior and about a month before that. The 2 first times I shoved the middle finger down my throat, my knuckles playing hackie sac with my tonsils. I gagged, pulled out and shoved it back in. I felt like a whore and then all my insides came out. The first time they splattered in my sink, the second I ruined a perfectly manicured lawn.
So, the third time I was already aware of the steps. First the halos, continued by a mild eye ache, followed by a mild headache, which would rapidly evolve into a throbbing, menacingly eye and headache. Then the nausea would set in and finally the needing to purge. So it happened. It was the third time. The first time I thought it was because of the hookah, that shit was strong. The second time I didn’t give it much thought. The third time I knew was no coincidence any longer.
I googled the symptoms. The number one possibility on all sites was glaucoma. I went to a doctor about 5 minutes away from my house in car that same day and told them what happened. They said they couldn’t do anything because the episode had passed. I don’t know how Dominican doctors get their licenses. I went to an international center. They did some eye exams with high pressured light straight into my eye. I could hardly endure it.
She came back with the results for more tests. She said I have an enlarged optic nerve, which could mean glaucoma. Glaucoma is the second leading cause of blindness. Glaucoma has no cure.
I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m afraid of waking up blind and never seeing anything ever again.