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Music

Things that are often quieted, are the things that

seem loudest to me. 

they are the things that whisper

my name the most.

the cracked window of this classroom.

the aroma of the freshly cut grass outside. 

the song of a bird, somewhere in the distance

of this morning--cool, like a drop of water

to a whitered tongue.

the way the sky is a milky shade of blue.

the clouds that blanket, and fold on top

of one another.

the sun, beaming onto the the tips of

trees that peek over, to get a glimpse

of my anxiety.

the fading hum of a lawn-mower,

buzzing more busily than bees.

the on and off, on and off of engines.

cars, at the light.

this makes me wish I were in england

and had the ability to walk everywhere

I went.

the fluttering voice of a bird.

not any bird, it sounds like a jungle bird.

I can hear the beauty in its throat.

I'd like to speak like that.

sure and beautiful.

even a sound can be more

artistic than the most graceful word.

the silence of the spiraling fan.

the smooth edged blades, above.

chiming of the chirping song.

chiming of a soul, in love.

how I wish to feel love at my fingertips,

but respectfully, how I know I cannot.

these things speak to me.

my ears tend to create music that was

never there to begin with.

Overall



Out of all your poems I have read here (and on Tumblr), I must say that this is probably my favourite piece of yours. I do like the idea of music in nature. And I feel that this piece is really strong in terms of it's imagery. But that said, I feel that I have read about these theme before in many poems. (About music in nature and things that are quiet are the ones that makes the most noise/or are the loudest). So I think majority of my feedback/comments that I will mention now would have to do with how to make this poem less cliché, more unique, and hopefully more you, as the relationship between the music and the protagonist (in this instance, I am assuming is you) is shown strongly in this poem. 

Before I go into that, I would like to comment on the form of this poem first. I feel that this poem has many ideas, many examples. Having all the examples in a run on stanza like the way it is now makes it hard for the reader to pause, think about the ideas and sock in the imagery that is there. Breaking this poem up and adding more stanzas will definitely help in creating that space for readers to reflect within the poem before moving on to the next idea/image that is presented to the reader. Breaking up the stanzas will also slow down the pace of the reader. I feel that with the poem's form the way it is now, it is really difficult to soak in all the images. If there were stanzas, I would register the words more, pay attention to the words more. 

 

Things that are often quieted, are the things that

seem loudest to me. 

they are the things that whisper

my name the most.

In my opinion, the above four lines are telling and not showing. I feel that these 4 lines could be incorporated into the title of the poem. Something like Quiet Things That Whisper My Name or Music That Whispers My Name or Quiet Things That Scream My Name (adding the word scream here instead of whisper really shows the contradiction between the quiet and loud, without you having to use the word loud) This way of changing the title also makes the poem personal right from the beginning. 'Music' seems a really general title, one that many poets/writers have used before. But a title that is personal will draw readers in to continue reading this poem. 

As the poem develops further, I get the feeling that the poem is becoming a list. This is where stanza breaks will come in. One stanza for each thing listed will transform the way this poem looks on page. It will be neater. The list of this poem starts from things that are on the ground/on earth before moving on to things that are in the sky, and then back down again to the Earth. before saying that the protagonist wishes that she was somewhere else. I think this poem would be stronger if the list is rearranged a little bit more. The imagery of flying would be stronger if the flying related images were arranged just before and just after these lines.

this makes me wish I were in england

and had the ability to walk everywhere

I went.

I find that the last two lines of this poem a little awkward. Maybe that's because it is back to telling and not really showing. I feel that the idea presented in the last two lines could be merged with the lines before it. 

 

how I wish to feel love at my fingertips,

but respectfully, how I know I cannot.

these things speak to me.

my ears tend to create music that was

never there to begin with.

 

In the above lines, I also feel that the word 'respectfully' can be removed. It doesn't add to what the poem is trying to say as well. I think that one way to combine the ideas in this lines would be to rewrite the 'feel love at my fingertips' part to something that has to do with the music of love, since this poem is about sounds, music. The last two lines I felt were written for impact, so that the poem has a twist. I think that this twist will work better if it is somehow merged into the idea of feeling love. That way, it would be part of one of the things on this list, rather than something that stands alone. 

Also, another thing I noticed is that there was't any capital letters in this poem. I think that that is fine for some experimental poetry. However, for this poem, I don't think it works. One example is the word England, where the letter 'e' is in lower case. I feel that the protagonist in this poem dreams about England and has a high regard for England. Thus, by having the letter e in lower case, it takes away that respect for England. This poem also has proper punctuation. Having proper punctuation but still having sentences start with lower case looks awkward, in my opinion. If you would like to stick with the lower case, I think that removing the punctuation (mainly the fullstops) would be a better move so that the poem looks better on the page.