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Controversy in the poo

Don't be afraid to find the local poo station


Dont shit ya pants when ya need to poo
Just be a man and go to the loo

You can't blame it on a friends if when not there
By leaving bits of poo on their vacant chair

Aim for the bowl and lift ya balls
Ya don't want poo flowin over the walls

If its a number two don't take the chance
Nobody wants to be the guy that shit his pants


Now I've seen people get so scared
When they smell someone elses poo and think its theres

If ya forced a fart out then dont think twice
Just get inside and have a safety wipe

If there's poo on the paper and it gives you a fright
You gotta act normal for the rest of the night

You can't be weak you gotta clench ya cheaks
You don't want poo dribbling over ya knees

I've seen grown men go to sneaze
I've seen tough men fall to their knees

You can cut that smell like a block of cheese

If you holdon to poo in it doesn't turn in to pee

Dont stick around for one last dance
If ya think ya might just shit ya pants

If ya think it's a fart then your probably screwed because..
Everyone knows a fart smells different to poo

Dont shit ya pants when ya need to poo
Just be a man and go to the loo

You can't blame it on a friend look over there
then stick a bit of poo in their underwear

Aim for the bowl and lift ya balls
Ya don't want poo all over the bathroom walls

If its a number two don't take the chance
Don't go being that guy that shit his pants

 


Overall



I do love to find me some humorous poetry on Inkstained. It's hard to overlook the opportunity when "Controversy in the poo" presents itself on the dashboard.

I'm going to spend the first part of this review cleaning up some of your grammatical and spelling errors. I know that this piece is lyrical, but at some point, people will see it written down and therefore want to have some consistency in the presentation.

When they smell someone elses poo and think its theres

To:

When they smell someone else's poo and think it's theirs

Is an example. You can probably see where I'm going with this. You use contractions correctly in places ("There's") and then completely ignore it in other places ("Dont"). You need to make sure to add your apostrophes correctly. This piece is overflowing with colloquialisms and shortened words, but if you're going to use such language, you should try to ensure that you apply the slang consistently.

I recommend you go over this piece and identify all of the places where you are using shortened words in place of their longer brethren. 

Eg:

Flowin (Flowin'), dont (don't), its (it's)

And so on. There are spelling errors too, such as "cheaks", which I'm sure you know should be "cheeks". But I'm treating this as a very rough, working first draft, so I know that you'll fix this if you go over the piece with an eye to check for errors.

I see a few other places where you can make this piece more enjoyable for those reading this and not hearing it.  


Things like :

You can't blame it on a friend look over there
then stick a bit of poo in their underwear

Should have quotations added so that it is apparent you're dealing in dialogue.

You can't blame it on a friend: "Look over there!"
Then stick a bit of poo in their underwear

And believe me, writing a serious piece of critique about that last line was a stretch for even my completely serious personality.

You need to get some punctuation happening in your lines. You've got this piece set up as rhyming couplets and even though I am able to find your rhythm with a little bit of experimentation, some use of commas on the individual lines in this would help greatly when it comes to finding the flow. Not everybody knows to add folky chords to a poem to find the beat.

This work reeks of ... well, it's just a great tongue in (mouth) cheek bit of fun, but as a written work, it has a lot of room to improve.

When you're trying to convey a song in the written form, you have to make sure to reflect the tone of the song as accurately as you can without singing it at the reader.

This is a funny piece, and I'm sure that at least 0.2% of readers will know the pain of having to lift their balls when they go to poo lest their excrement wind up coating the walls. But, as it stands now in the written word, it has some way to go before I'll be safety-wiping after every bit of mild flatulence.