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Comatose

I was floating.

I heard voices, familiar voices,  but they didn’t really interest me.

My mind was too weak to understand what they were saying anyway.

‘ Car crash, he’s in a coma.’

It didn’t mean anything to me, all I wanted to do was going back to sleep.

I drifted off into a black hole called unconsciousness, going back to a moment that was long gone.

 

‘ Hi, I’m Kaitlin.’ The green eyed brunette in front of me said while she reached out her hand to shake mine. ‘ But feel free to call me Kate.’

‘ Benjamin.’ I replied while I took her hand to shake it. ‘ First day here?’

‘ Is it that obvious?’ She asked, giving me a warm smile.

‘ Well, since you are introducing yourself and I never saw you here before.’ I answered. ‘ I just figured.’

She laughed, she had the most amazing laugh, it sounded like little bells tingling by a sigh of the wind.

‘ I have to go back now.’ I said smiling. ‘ Anyway, good luck Kate.’

She grinned. ‘ Do I need it then?’

I chuckled. ‘ Maybe you will, maybe not. You’ll see.’

 

I was back with the voices, they were still talking.

Although I could now understand what they were saying, my ears got distracted by another sound, a soft beeping.

I wondered what it was, I had heard the sound before but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

The voices kept talking, I learned the voices were from two women which I both knew.

I only couldn’t name them yet.

The voices faded when I drifted back into unconsciousness.

 

‘ You know that isn’t healthy, right?’ I said to Kaitlin when I came outside.

She smirked. ‘ You only told me that a hundred times before.’

‘ Maybe I’ll convince you to stop one day.’ I replied.

She took another tug from her cigarette before she stubbed it.

‘ How’s your girlfriend?’ She asked while she putted the cigarette package back into her bag.

‘ Ciara’s fine.’ I answered. ‘ We’re moving in together next month.’

She smiled. ‘ You are?’

I nodded. ‘ The house is almost done, we should be able to move there next month.’

‘ Good for you.’ She replied while she took her car keys out of her bag.

‘ You’re going home already?’ I asked, a little disappointed.

‘ I am.’ She answered. ‘ I’ll see you tomorrow.’

I sighed when I watched her walking away, then I took my own keys and went home myself.

 

‘ We were going to move in together tomorrow.’ I heard someone say. ‘ Why did this have to happen? Why now?’

Ciara, she was here.

‘ I don’t know.’ I heard the other girl answer. ‘ I’m so sorry.’

Kaitlin, she was here too.

I tried to open my eyes, I wanted to see the two people who meant everything to me.

The only problem was that I couldn’t, I couldn’t get my eyes open, like I couldn’t move my fingers or get a single sound of my mouth either.

My body simply refused to cooperate with me and again it started to pull me back into the big black hole.

 

 ‘ No date?’ I asked while I sat down next to Kaitlin.

The cafeteria was crowded, there were more people on this reception then I thought there would be.

She looked at me and a smile appeared on her face.

‘ No, I didn’t think that would be necessary.’ She answered. ‘ Where’s Ciara? Didn’t you bring her with you?’

I shook my head. ‘ She had her own reception to attend.’

‘ You better had gone to hers.’ She said. ‘ This one is kind a lame.’

I chuckled. ‘ You have been sitting here all this time, being bored?’

‘ If it wasn’t for you I would have been long gone.’ She replied. ‘ But I wanted to see if you could get this party started.’

‘ Do you want to dance?’ I asked while I held out my hand to take hers.

She took my hand and we walked onto the dance floor.

We danced for a while, our bodies moving on the beat of the music that was blowing out of the speakers.

She looked ravishing in her skinny jeans and the tight black top she was wearing, her brown hair curled and I noticed a small line of eyeliner underneath her eyes.

I raised my eyebrows when a slower song started to play but she shook her head.

‘ I’m going for a smoke.’ She said.

‘ How many times do I have to tell you it isn’t healthy?’ I asked.

She shrugged and went to take her purse before she walked out of the cafeteria.

I sighed but decided to follow her outside, I couldn’t exactly dance with myself.

She already lighted her cigarette when I came outside.

‘ Are you afraid to slow dance with me?’ I asked while I walked towards her.

‘ No, I only wanted a cigarette.’ She replied before she took another twitch.

‘ Prove it.’ I said. ‘ Put that cigarette out and dance with me.’

‘ Here? Without music?’ She asked, but she putted the cigarette out anyway.

‘ Imagine music is playing.’ I replied while I placed my hands on her waist.   

She chuckled while she putted her arms around my neck.

‘ Are you thinking about a song?’ I asked.

She nodded. ‘ Yes.’

‘ Then we dance.’ I said while I took the lead.

‘ You’re a pretty good dancer.’ She complimented me.

‘ You’re not bad yourself.’ I replied.

She smiled and pressed herself a little tighter against me what made my heartbeat increase.

‘ This is nice.’ She sighed.

My brown eyes locked with her green ones, what left me breathless and not able to react to what she said.

My breath stocked in my throat when our lips moved closer to each other.

She pulled back in the last seconds, when our lips nearly touched.

‘ We can’t do this.’ She stated, taking a step back from me.

‘ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean,… I didn’t want to.’ I stumbled when I realized what I had almost done.

‘ It’s ok.’ She replied. ‘ Nothing happened.’

‘ I don’t know what I was thinking.’ I said. ‘ I’m so sorry.’

‘ Don’t be.’ She said. ‘ Nothing happened, you don’t have to be sorry.’

‘ I think it’s best if I go home.’ I sighed.

She nodded. ‘ I’m going home too.’

‘ I’ll see you on Monday.’ I said before I turned around and walked to my car.

 

It was quiet now, the only thing I heard were the soft beeps in the background.

There was still someone in the room, I could hear her breathing.

I only didn’t  know if it was Ciara or Kaitlin.

Unconsciousness came back sooner than I expected, taking me back into another memory.

 

‘ What’s wrong with you?’ I asked, getting frustrated by the lack of response I was getting.

Kaitlin had been avoiding me the last couple of days and now it really was getting on my nerves.

‘ Nothing’s wrong.’ She replied. ‘ I only need to get home now.’

I stopped her when she wanted to walk away.

‘ You are not going anywhere before you tell me what’s wrong.’ I said. ‘ You always told me everything, what’s different now?’

I caressed her cheek when her eyes started to tear up.

‘ What’s the matter Kate?’ I asked again. ‘ You know you can tell me.’

‘ You don’t want to know.’ She answered softly.

‘ I do.’ I replied.

‘ I’m in love with you.’ She whispered while staring at the ground.

‘ You… what?’ I stumbled.

I couldn’t really find words to create a proper answer.

‘ I’m in love with you.’ She said again, this time looking directly at me.

‘ And you are telling me that now?’ I asked confused. ‘ Why now?’

‘ Because you asked me.’ She replied. ‘ I would have kept my mouth shut if you didn’t ask me anything.’

‘ God damned Kaitlin, I’m moving in with Ciara tomorrow!’ I cried out. ‘ What do you expect me to do?!’

‘ Nothing.’ She said. ‘ I don’t expect you to do anything. I only told you how I feel because you asked me what’s wrong.’

I shook my head. ‘ I can’t do this right now.’

Before I even know what I was doing I was in my car and drove away.

I was mad, mad at Kaitlin, mad at myself.

Why did she have to tell me now? Why couldn’t she have told me earlier.

I noticed the deer in the middle of the road to late, I hit the break but I had to turn the wheel in order to avoid hitting it.

There was a loud crash before everything went black.

I opened my eyes again when I heard a familiar voice.

‘ Stay with me.’ Kaitlin said. ‘ Help is on its way.’  

I was too weak, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, all I wanted to do was sleep.

‘ No, stay with me.’ Kaitlin said again. ‘ Don’t leave me, I love you.’  

 

‘ I love you.’

My eyes flew open, the only thing I saw was the white ceiling of the room I was in.

I was lying in a bed, my body covered with blankets.

The soft beeping I had been hearing was a heart monitor that was wired to me.

Kaitlin’s head appeared above me. ‘ You’re awake.’

‘ You woke me up.’ I said with a raw voice, it was a little soar too.

She smiled. ‘ I’m going to get Ciara, she has been so worried.’

‘ Don’t.’ I said quickly while I grabbed her hand. ‘ I only want you.’

She was still smiling but I could see the cracks in her façade, she was hurt.

‘ I think you have a slight concussion.’  She replied. ‘ Let me go get Ciara.’

I shook my head and pulled her onto the bed with me.

‘ I only want you.’ I repeated. ‘ I love you.’

‘ But…’ She started.

I silenced her by kissing her softly and I knew in the deepest of my heart that I wanted her.

She had been winding me around her finger from the first moment we met.

It didn’t matter to me that I had to crash my car into a tree and get hurt to realize that I was in love with her.

All that mattered was this moment,  my lips intertwined with hers.

Me admitting that I loved her. 

Overall



All in all, this piece had solid if not original dialogue, but held back by weak grammar and taking too long. I'd recommend cutting some of the description (even character description) from the dream sequences. Unless he's touching her hair, we don't need the color. Unless he's interacting with her outfit, we don't need to visualize it. We'll fill in, and this piece needs to move and feel a little...dazed, I think.

Few things I picked up:

"I only couldn’t name them yet." - Only I couldn't

There was also a lot of comma use, where you were really doing two different sentences. Two short sentences are just fine. If the ideas aren't connected tight? Just leave them apart. It reads faster.

 

I think there's a solid piece here, once you focus on what you want to say and remove the rest.

Write on!

- Hawk