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Sun-Dreams-Dying

Sun-Dreams-Dying

I’m so worn out from walking with the kids along the wharf all afternoon. Legs throbbing, feet beating with my heart. The sun is so bright, its rays lash my corneas like whips.

 

I’m driving through San Francisco. At every intersection I wait behind thrumming exhausts and red brake-lights. My head dips from fatigue.

 

The kids are thirsty, the baby’s crying. Everyone’s sweaty. We’re out of water. My god we’re like sailors lost at urban sea. Sticky tank-tops and dank wind. Fabric seats soak up our exuded liquids.

A grocery!

I u-turn and park. She takes the baby inside. The boys are passed out and sweaty strands of hair cover their faces. I sit in the car and lean against the window. My eyes close.

 

I’m so worn out from walking with the kids along the wharf all afternoon. Legs throbbing, feet beating with my heart. The sun is so bright, its rays lash my corneas like whips.

 

I’m driving through San Francisco. At every intersection I wait behind thrumming exhausts and red brake-lights. My head dips from fatigue.

 

The kids are thirsty, the baby’s crying. Everyone’s sweaty. We’re out of water. My god we’re like sailors lost at urban sea. Sticky tank-tops and dank wind. Fabric seats soak up our exuded liquids.

 

I’m at a light. The engine drones. I look down at my lap. My eyes close, just for a second.

I wake up, I WAS ASLEEP I FELL ASLEEP FUCK I FELL ASLEEP DRIVING OH MY GOD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD.

 

No, I’m alive. I’m parked. I look around. I’m in a parking lot. I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s ok. I grab my chest. I put my face on the wheel.

Dreams, terror,
I dream of life and death,
dying in dreams indistinguishable from life

and waking to living death.

The sun is on my face,
UV rays blocked by glass;


people are stocking up for Pride weekend
and to celebrate DOMA’s demise.

 

I’m dead as well,

in this steel, plastic, aluminum, glass sarcophagus.

The celebrations erupt.

Overall



I really love this piece. Repetition is a hard card to play, but you used it in just the right way for the best possible impact. The change in style and format as the piece transitions is a great way to force the reader to change gears - all in all, just a great piece. I've got some nitpicks, but they're easy fixes or personal calls.

"it’s rays lash my corneas like whips." - its. If you wouldn't say "it is", it's not it's.

"At every intersection I wait behind thrumming exhausts and red brake-lights." - May want a comma after 'intersection'. Not strictly required, but your pace comes from a lot of short sentences so far. Why break it?

"The kids are thirsty, the baby’s crying." - the comma here feels awkward. Maybe best to make them two short sentences.

"My god we’re like sailors lost at urban sea." - might want a comma after 'my god'.

" I sit in the car and lean against window" - lean against 'the' window?

"I’m at a light. the engine drones." - Is the lack of capitalization intentional? If so, 'I look down at my lap' throws off that concept.

Thanks for putting this up - I had a lot of fun with it. Write on!

- Hawk