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I shouldn’t ever go back and read you,

or read us, as we were

but I did today

cringing at my saccharine naivety

but mainly saddened

at the promise of love

wasted by fear


I've never been one to truly appreciate brevity, so perhaps some of the effect is lost on me. I just don't find much interesting with this poem (aside from the use of saccharine). It flows well, but whenever I read poems short like this one I want to know more. It just feels like this one was cut off before stating its message. 


I really like that phrase midway through the poem--"cringing at my saccharine naivety." I had some questions about comma usage: for example, I thought the one in the second line should either be taken out, or another one should be added at the very end. I also felt you could slash out that second "read," as it would make the poem read more fluidly. Those are just minor things. In general I enjoy entertaining the idea of fear hindering love, but felt that its execution in this piece could be more original, more moving. You've got a great start with "saccharine naivety"; I think some more refreshing language like would that would help this poem become more powerful.


Hey Eloise. :) Just want to say I really enjoyed reading this short. This is brevity right here. and kudos for using the word saccharine naivety. That is is very cool. It really fits well and it doesn't seem at all forced in the piece you know? What you have written here is all sorts of powerful in my book.