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conjure

eyes bury me beneath their gaze
heart heavy with these memories
lost in your mouth your breath a haze
eyes bury me beneath their gaze
i split in two, my mind decays
love fills me fatal as disease
eyes bury me beneath their gaze
heart heavy with these memories

Overall



I'm pretty sure this is misclassified as a Tanka. In the unlikely event that this is supposed to be a Tanka, I'll point you to this link and say nothing more of it, because this is a triolet :)

This type of highly structured poem is nightmarish to write. I say that based on experience. No greater frustration exists in poetry than having everything perfect only to find that one line needing to be repeated or fit a rhyme is nigh-on impossible to insert and keep your flow in tact.

I can't fault your application of the rules here, so you've scored perfectly on form and language.

Where I'm taking issue here is that a triolet challenges you to repeat the same lines and give them a different meaning -- whether that be through context of previous lines, or punctuation. The low score for originality is what I think has held you back here.

"Eyes bury me beneath their gaze," is a hard line to give new meaning to as it has a very specific abstract usage. Splitting in two from a gaze, being lost within a body part, or filled with a disease called "love" all have very distinct meanings too, and for me, the repetition in this poem is just that, there is no change in meaning.

That said, this is still a good poem and done in a format that is very challenging.