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Sweet Words

If your ears never housed sweet words,
If your mind always whspered canonballs
and fired at sight, any righteous thought
of self love...

Charity cases must grow heartfelt,
reflections must take you by surprise and bruise,
bruise your cholesterol heart.

Hopes to end this war,
Make history, a D-day,
seem unrealistic and far because

you end every war and never your own,
blow every candle and ignore yours,
carry hope and forget to board.

And I'm such a ghost.
Such annoyance you ignore.
Why thrust? why drown? im off your
shoulders; adorned with guilt,
insecurities,demons I've already fought.

Sweet words circle the drain
and suffocate you, as
I stand here and cry questions;
"will anyone help you?"
            "will you smile, away?"

Somewhere lays a desire
to pearl yourself be born-again,
everyone prays, and even light knows
                           even God knows

you deserve more.

Overall



I like the imagery of war/battle in this poem. The imagery in this poem is constant, but in my opinion, the poet has to be careful when using war imagery as I feel some parts of the poem can seem political (which is weird as this poem isn't about politics). I think this is the case because this poem does not have details of personal experiences. For now, the poem seems to be general rather than having specific examples. A way to add this could be in stanza 5, where the voice of 'I' could show exactly what were the insecurity demons he/she fought. This will draw the reader deeper into the poem. 

I am also unsure of who 'I' is. Sometimes when I read it, I feel that 'I' is the voice of the insecurities . For example, when I read the line 'such annoyance you ignore'. However, the later part of the stanza seems to suggest that 'I' is a person who had insecurities before and is a stronger person now for overcoming his/her insecurities. 

I like how the poem ends. It feels that throughout the whole poem, the protagonist is against the person he/she is addressing but towards the end, he/she is able to sympathise with 'you'. 

I think that the use of the word 'and' is a little excessive towards the last part of the poem. One way of cutting down one of the 'and' here would be to rewrite this stanza:

Somewhere lays a desire
to pearl yourself be born-again,
everyone prays, and even light knows
                           even God knows

to: 

Somewhere lies (lay is the past tense of lie) a desire

to pearl yourself to be born again. 

Everyone prays.


Even Light knows.

Even God knows. 

 

I capitalised the L because I feel that light in this sense deserves importance in this poem. Also having the lines the way it is above, makes those lines more important. When reading this poem, I felt that those lines were important. It is also a neater way of presenting those ideas. I like the way the poem's stanzas ended. They ended where they were supposed to end. A new idea was presented on a new stanza. 

However, I find stanza 2 a little vague. I understand that it is talking about how self-pity could lead to people becoming charity cases and yet I feel that the 2nd and 3rd lines seem to be a little off from the 1st. I think that the ideas here can be expanded and have more details. I think that stanza 2 is really important cause it will give the readers a sense of the poem's stand. Thus, I feel that it is important to give this stanza a second look. Stanza 2 also has a minor spelling error. 2nd line - the word should be whispered. It is missing an 'i'. 

Another thing grammar wise I spotted would be the use of speech marks/quotation marks. When going through some poetry courses, it was highlighted that perhaps when it comes to use of dialogue in a poem, instead of having speech marks, dialogue would look neater if those words were italicised instead. Perhaps that's something that would strengthen this poem's form?

I really like the progression from stanza 3 to 4. It is a smart way of showing that people who bring themselves down would focus on others' insecurities to avoid their own.