I like the imagery of war/battle in this poem. The imagery in this poem is constant, but in my opinion, the poet has to be careful when using war imagery as I feel some parts of the poem can seem political (which is weird as this poem isn't about politics). I think this is the case because this poem does not have details of personal experiences. For now, the poem seems to be general rather than having specific examples. A way to add this could be in stanza 5, where the voice of 'I' could show exactly what were the insecurity demons he/she fought. This will draw the reader deeper into the poem.
I am also unsure of who 'I' is. Sometimes when I read it, I feel that 'I' is the voice of the insecurities . For example, when I read the line 'such annoyance you ignore'. However, the later part of the stanza seems to suggest that 'I' is a person who had insecurities before and is a stronger person now for overcoming his/her insecurities.
I like how the poem ends. It feels that throughout the whole poem, the protagonist is against the person he/she is addressing but towards the end, he/she is able to sympathise with 'you'.
I think that the use of the word 'and' is a little excessive towards the last part of the poem. One way of cutting down one of the 'and' here would be to rewrite this stanza:
Somewhere lays a desire
to pearl yourself be born-again,
everyone prays, and even light knows
even God knows
Somewhere lies (lay is the past tense of lie) a desire
to pearl yourself to be born again.
Even Light knows.
Even God knows.
I capitalised the L because I feel that light in this sense deserves importance in this poem. Also having the lines the way it is above, makes those lines more important. When reading this poem, I felt that those lines were important. It is also a neater way of presenting those ideas. I like the way the poem's stanzas ended. They ended where they were supposed to end. A new idea was presented on a new stanza.
However, I find stanza 2 a little vague. I understand that it is talking about how self-pity could lead to people becoming charity cases and yet I feel that the 2nd and 3rd lines seem to be a little off from the 1st. I think that the ideas here can be expanded and have more details. I think that stanza 2 is really important cause it will give the readers a sense of the poem's stand. Thus, I feel that it is important to give this stanza a second look. Stanza 2 also has a minor spelling error. 2nd line - the word should be whispered. It is missing an 'i'.
Another thing grammar wise I spotted would be the use of speech marks/quotation marks. When going through some poetry courses, it was highlighted that perhaps when it comes to use of dialogue in a poem, instead of having speech marks, dialogue would look neater if those words were italicised instead. Perhaps that's something that would strengthen this poem's form?
I really like the progression from stanza 3 to 4. It is a smart way of showing that people who bring themselves down would focus on others' insecurities to avoid their own.