Having read this entire piece, my biggest take-away from it is confusion. It seems equal parts satirical recipe, "choose your own adventure" (sans choice), and a second person view so specific it's as though I have to possess the traits of the person being addressed in order to understand what is happening. (Wisps of hair from my braid? I have a braid?)
Are these instructions or is this a second person narrative? Within three sentences my answer to that question was a resounding, "I have no idea."
You slam the door. The room shakes. ...
... Ignore the knot in your stomach, the worm of self-loathing that taunts your loneliness. Grab the boom box from your room, plug it in, and turn it up. Drown yourself in the music. Feel the tightness in your hips as you dance around the room.
You start by saying "You slam the door." And it seems it will be a narrative, but then I am being instructed. "Ignore the knot ..." If the purpose of this beginning is to set the scene so that you can present the recipe as second-person instructions, then it should all be narrative. eg., "You slam the door and the room shakes. You ignore the knot in your stomach ..." If the introduction is supposed to be part of the recipe, it should all be directive. eg., "Slam the door. ..."
Your use of tense is very inconsistent. I was tense trying to understand when this was all happening. The inconsistent use of present, past and directional tense — often in places where there is no excuse for the tense to change. eg., the method of the recipe — meant it was a very hard piece to follow at times.
In the method for the almond pie, the first direction worked well:
... frantically puncture the holes that have bubbled up in the crust ...
But from there, the tenses start to go awry:
Melt chips with margarine. It barely fits in the bowl. After 30 seconds only the outer layer of each chip has melted and they sit slightly shiny in a puddle of sun yellow butter.
This has slipped back into past-tense narrative again. It should read something like:
Melt chips with margarine. It will barely fit in the bowl. After 30 seconds only the outer layer of each chip will have melted and be sitting in a slightly shiny puddle of sun yellow butter.
I won't quote all of the places where the tense slips in and out of where it should be, but you really need to go over this entire piece with an understanding of what tense you want it to be in. If you do that and get it consistent, this work will start displaying some of its potential.
I really like the root of the idea behind this piece and I think it can be turned into something humorous and quirky. The dry wit and defeatist tone of the narrator is actually very entertaining. If you can sort out these major issues with your tenses and what you want each part of it to be, I think you'll be onto a very clever bit of prose.